Copy from old entry about me

I wouldn’t leave the house because of the sniggers and giggles from people passing judgement on me. Remarks made in supermarket checkouts etc and the street were cruel and unnecessary. I think some people think you are deaf as well as fat or it is there God given right to be rude. You must have no feelings.My clothes were always fat and frumpy, home-made tents and very rarely ironed. If I did manage to buy shop made they were still shapeless and drab. I was determined I wasn’t wearing a home-made wedding dress, so walked the streets to find a dress that fit and that I liked and didn’t need to bother with the later cause I never found one that fit. The biggest size they all went to was a 30 and they didn’t go near me. I found a shop with some lovely lace on sale and my friend made a lovely dress but by the time the big day came I had put on even more weight and it didn’t fit. So we had to add gussets to the sideseams and arms it looked revolting. I never felt more depressed than the day it didn’t fit. I ate more and cried buckets.My son was embarrassed to be seen with me. When we moved to our current address he told everyone I was his Aunty. Did great things for me I can tell you. I built a wall of fat to protect me from pain but all it ever did was hurt me more. I huffed and grunted with every movement. It was a real chore to go to the bathroom, I haven’t bathed in years, have to shower. What I wouldn’t do for a nice long soak in a hot bath full of bubbles.I was a dabb hand at making excuses for not going out places or to restaurants in fear of chairs breaking under the strain...it happened twice, or getting stuck in a booth. Eventually I had to start asking for a table when I did go out which I still do now in case I still can’t fit and don’t want to disappoint myself, and bring all those horrid feelings flooding back. I hated eating in public people would look at the food on my plate and scoff, often I had less than they did. I didn’t eat much really, you don’t have to when you get to the size I was, just the wrong foods.One afternoon I was travelling on public transport and I got stuck in the sliding door getting out at my stop. I still cry when I think of the embarrassment of having someone pushing my great spance of a behind while someone else heave at my arms trying to pull me out. I just wanted to die right there and then. I might add that the seat was a very tight squeeze and I needed 2. I have never travelled with that bus company since.I always use the disabled toilets because there wasn’t enough room in the regular ones to get the door shut. I couldn’t drive the new van when we bought it because I couldn’t get my fat stomach behind the steering wheel. Having to stand when visiting friends because I didn’t want them to see me struggle and heave myself out of the chair, or they might buckle under the strain.Always tripping over my own feet because I couldn’t lift them when I shuffled along.The sinking feeling when small children would say “Look at that fat lady Mum”...is indescribable if you haven’t been there you just can’t know.I was always tired, I’d sleep 10 hours a night and then have a couple of hours sleep in the afternoon. I never had any energy, I was lazy. I have seen me sit in the dark because I just couldn’t russle up the strength to get up and turn the light on.I have laid awake many a night scared to go to sleep because of the pains in my chest and heart palpitations “Was I having a heart attack?”I had no self confidence at all, I had squashed any of that long ago. I was worthless and who cared anyway, certainly not me. Once I realised that I was worth the effort half the battle was won.I can remember more than 15 years ago going 4 times to the hall where the weight loss meeting was held and walking home in tears each week not entering the hall and feeling even more hopeless the 4th week I dragged myself along as I arrived at the hall another lady arrived so I continued in the hall with her. I never knew the lady and to this day don’t remember her name but she saved my sanity that day. I met and became good friends with the leader and still am. Oh if only I had been happy with the weight I was then, The sad part was I was only about 10 pound heavier than what my goal weight is this time round.I hated the weight I was but couldn’t muster up enough energy and motivation to do anything about it, the more I wanted to loose the more I would gain. The changes I have made in my life in the last year means I am still gaining but instead of weight I am now gaining confidence, and the will to make a better life for ME.


I said I'd write my story if I lost 100 pounds, and I have, so here goes... I wasn't a fat child, well not till after I was 11 or so anyway. I went on my first diet at the age of 16 and lost about 70 pounds the beginning of the end. I was 140 pounds and looked fantastic.
I became a solo mother at the age of 17 and was so lonely and unloved so I ate for company. I put back on the weight I lost before getting pregnant...plus some. In 1984 I gave up smoking and gained another 70 pounds in 5 months, everything tasted so good. I have to admit I don't advise people to give up smoking cold turkey. 1986 I met the "Man of my Dreams". Unfortunately for me or maybe fortunately not sure which, after 18mths I found out he was married with 5 kids. That knocked me for a six I can tell you. I sold my house and moved 200 miles away from friends and family and him, became more lonely and depressed so ate more. Over the years I lost and gained the same weight over and over again....I was on the herbalife diet, the apple diet, the bread diet, just about every diet that was the fad of the time. In 1993 I met and 2.5 years later married my dh. You would have thought that now I was happy. Dispite being told we couldn't have anymore children and going to clinics to be told you are 2 fat for us to waste our time on, (I can tell you this really helped me loose weight I'm sure). We went thru the adoption thing for about 3 years but after a lot of anguish and being told in more than one way that I was to fat and we were getting to old, we decided to get on with life. I had blossomed to a very unhealthy 408 pounds. I was so huge I couldn't weigh on the doctors scales I had to hunt the town for heavy scales and was the top of the scale. Did wonders for my self-esteem, I don't think. Every day tasks like housework, getting dressed, personal care, etc....were a real effort...often I just didn't bother. I realised one day at the end of April 2000 that I had been making arrangements for my own funeral. A shocking discovery at the age of 40 that you probably wouldn't make 50.
Something helped me find some weight management sites on the computer and on the 10th of May 2000 I made the first step to a new and healthier me. I gave up Coca-Cola, a big ask when I drunk 2litres of the stuff a day. I also noticed that I would go for a wee walk once a day...I started by managing to get a couple of houses along the road and come home and flop on the chair for the rest of the afternoon or go to bed and sleep for several hours. About a month later I could manage 1/4 of a mile. Now May 2001 I walk 4-8 miles most days......I am a member of the gym, I check food labels non-fat, lite and unsweetened are the key words now. I don't munch on a big bag of crisps in the afternoon, I don't have a secret stash of sweets in my drawer, I don't have everything covered in thick sauces etc. Chocolate isn't my staple food. I eat fruit instead of hunks of cheese. I drink water by the gallons. I feel good, I like the me I am becoming and I plan on improving the new model. I don't want to get back to 140 pounds I will be ecstatic to get to 240 pounds, why couldn't I see all those years ago that I wasn't fat and ugly and I was a nice person why did I have to put myself thru this torture. Well I have learned and I am gaining knowledge all the time.
Some of the milestones along my journey: 13th July started a journal, my exercise for that day was folding washing, washed dishes, preparing main meal. A real effort to do that much. 2nd August People started noticing weight loss about 40 pound gone for ever. 11th August wore wedding ring, only wore it for about 6ths after wedding because it got so uncomfortable 13th August Joined Getting2Goal site on the computer, wow what a great day. 21st August Fit into winter coat and buttons did up, when I started it was very tight in the arms and a great gap of 2 inches in the front where the buttons wouldn't touch. 28th August Put on my own socks, dh had to do them till now. 26th September Got my hair permed. 2 Dec Ordered clothes from a regular catalogue, not the fatties catalogue. Wonderful feeling, didn't matter that they were the biggest size. January 2001 Great excitement lost enough weight that I can now weigh in at the doctors scales. 327.6 pounds. 4th January Started new job, office work exactly what I wanted to do love it. 21st March Joined the gym. 16th April Didn't eat any Easter eggs dispite them being everywhere ya looked. 10th May 100.8 pounds gone for ever, I can't describe the feeling it is to good for words. Triumphant. I am going to win this time. I have a whole different outlook on life and it is so easy to smile...I find myself humming often and don't grumble nearly as much as I use to. March 2000 Cholesterol total 6, ratio 4.6, LDL 4.1 April 2001 Cholesterol total 5.4 ratio 3.8 LDL 3.4 March 2000 Glucose 5.3 April 2001 4.7 Some key words I have used along the way: Pumped, Weight Loss, Goals, Challenges, Life style Changes, Exercise, Smaller, Portion sizes, Healthy, Water, Support, Active, Walk, Move, Gradual, Day to Day, Routine, High Fibre, Low Fat, Nutritional, Energy, Smile, Love, SUCCESS.