First Entry-Why do I feel

like I am all alone on the journey. I am plodding along and lossing the weight but I feel alone. I read peoples journals and visit inspiration site like I did last time and back then they were enough, but this time I am not getting the inspiration I need. I need some one on one me connection. I reach out but there is no one there. I guess you get that if you can go to weight management meetings. I don't want to fail again I don't want to give up I enjoy my long walks alone but some days in my head I'd like to know there is someone going to reach back at me and say how u doin.
I get diddly in the way of support from home and need to know someone is there for me. I realise I am the only one who can do this and I must do it for Me but its a lonely journey. I feel selfish in wanting this. I comment on sites, I read and hope that just one might come back and say hey Felicity I would like to chat to u I would like to be your support thanks for the nice words how r u feeling can I help u today. I check my emails I have my MSN on but no one knocks I feel like a stalker I feel even more lonely reaching out to ppl I don't even know becasue I am such a sorry piece of human flesh that I can't make friends of my own to talk to I have to reach into a stupid computer and even of the millions of ppl in there no one wants to know me. Am I really not worth that much. Am I really such a waste of space that I cant find one person to call a connection to tell how I feel . Am I destined to sit here day after day for the rest of my life talking to myself casue if I am it ain't worth it. I go to work everyday and I paint on a smile but i don't fit in. I don't drink so don't really socailize I don't smoke so sit in the office at coffee break and if I do go out no-one speacks to me anyways. No one ever calls around here or phones says come over for a coffee. I get the feeling that ppl only speak to me in the street casue they can't avoid it. when was the last time some one phone me for a chat to see how I am hey want to meet for a coffee. I can't remember, only time my phone goes is to work only time ppl speak to me is when they wnat something when do i get my turn when do i get to say hey I am hurting here give me a go. Does anone even care cause they sure as don't show it. My husband doesn't have a clue so long as his tea is on the table and I know where his clean socks are he thinks everything is alright. Does he say hey lets do something hey i'd like to be seen out with u no if I want to go anywhere it has to be one my own he doesn't want to be seen with me. He doesn't want to show an interest in anything I enjoy, is there something I enjoy, he wouldn't know what it was anyway cause I don't. Does he notice that I look and feel like a frump, does he notice i don't bother, does he notice I am sad and angry all the time, does he say hey what is wrong-no. What does he say well if we talk at all it is about stupid trains or motor bike who the ....cares. Talk hell no that isn't what ya do in a marriage be seen out together, hell no-pick up after, take flack from, wash cook, be farted on in bed, that is what a wife is for.
All the time I fight off the tears feels like they sit at the back of my eyes, my teeth are clenched tight and I am almost always just on boiling point. I dare not say or let go casue would I stop. Inside I am always screaming with frustration. Was that why I got fat becasue maybe some one would see me or was it so no one would want to know me cause she is ugly and fat don't go near her..What is the point if someone did say hi I wouldn't tell them how I felt anyway...but then would I feel this way if they did cause I would feel someone did care a toss.